a part of growing up.

a part of growing up.
time flies.
flies faster than the speed of light.
everything just passed as if it had never happened.
as if everything was forgotten.
thinking back of the days when I was just a primary school student, wishing I could be a grown up, living my own dreams.
now I'm here.
well, this is not what I have expected.

this is the time where I get nervous.
thinking about the results that I would be getting in a few months time.
praying that God would grant me my heart's desire.
praying that there would be absolutely no mistake in marking my test papers.

this is the time, friends and family members asks :
"hey, big girl already huh? so where are you going to study? what course would you be taking?"
the amount of questions does not end there.
there are more and those questions seem to haunt you, day and night.
sometimes I get so fed up, I would just simply entertain them and make them satisfied with my answers.
even my dad is pushing me a lot lately.
come on, I have just finished my SPM, give me a break please!
can't you give me some time to enjoy my own life before my college life starts?
time is still on my side.
please.
give me a break.

driving lessons are torturing me.
terribly.
the first computer test was a piece of cake.
now, it's practical.
and oh shit, I suck at it big time.
I drove on the road the other day.
my instructor wasn't happy with me, at all.
he said it's like I have a rain cloud above my head and that I don't know what I am doing.
URGH.
I felt like kicking his ass.
he's sitting next to me, talking on the phone to someone about his girlfriend?
HEY, HELLO?! I AM DRIVING! ARE YOU GOING TO WATCH ME OR NOT?!
and then he would text and text and text.
my goodness gracious.
then he kept on pointing out my mistakes and I was getting to sick of myself.
he kept on stepping on the emergency brake when I was about to brake and yell at me and asked why didn't I brake!
OH MY GOODNESS.
for your information, I WAS ABOUT TO !
I have driving lessons again tomorrow.
*fingers crossed.*

Christmas has just passed.
I am so proud of my own performance and the day ended well.
I did make some mistakes.
and I felt really bad.
anyway, the good news is, pastor is asking me to sing with his wife a song he has written long ago.
he said he might bring me along if they are visiting any other churches to sing the song.
I feel so truly blessed.

I am currently planning on making a music video of my own.
I'm looking for musicians and someone who has a really good camera! :D
I hope it would soon be done :)

since SPM  is over, I found a job.
actually, I was offered the job.
so I have been working for the past month and been doing some silly mistakes.
I am currently teaching primary school children and they are really indescribable.
I didn't know they could be such a tough job to handle.
but I have been enjoying myself teaching them and hopefully they enjoy my company.
*patiently waiting for my salary*

a new life.
a new journey.
new friends.
some became very close.
one became the person that I love deeply.
it's funny how I've seen him so many times, thinking to myself that maybe one day I would get to know him.
maybe one day maybe he could be mine.
wish fulfilled.
it has been 16 days.
these 16 days are deeply precious to me.
because there was never a day he did not make me smile.
i love the way his smell still lingers on me even after a long time.
i love the way he holds my hand so tight as if he would not let me go.
is he the right one?
who knows?
only God does.
if i did not make this move, i would never know whether this is the right path I'm suppose to take.
try and error.
learnt a lot from mistakes made in the past.
time to cherish moments like this and not wasting any more time. :)

two more days to a new year.
a new start.
wishing everyone a blessed new year and may your wishes come true.

sincerely and lots of love,
ANN.

insanity.

Insanity.
Rough week. Rough week.
Nothing seems to be better.
All you hear is sighs and never ending sighs.
Do you know why i don't want to study here?
it's because i don't want to see your damn face anymore.
I might as well leave.
Leave. Leave. Leave.

the end of teenage dreams.

the end of teenage dreams.
this will be the last month i get to wear my uniform, white socks, white shoes, tie and badge.
tomorrow will be the last day i serve the school as a class monitor.
tomorrow is the last day to have fun.
time pass so fast.
it has been 5 years that i have dreamt to be here and now it comes to an end.
now, all that is left is THE EXAM.
have to work my ass off now.
i feel so old now.
i don't even feel like a teenager anymore.
it's almost time to step out into the real world.
scaryyyyyyyyyyyy.
will keep you updated :)
remember to stay healthy and be safe !

love,
missawesome.

put all the blame on me.

put all the blame on me.
that's all what you adults know how to do.
you want to separate then just do it.
don't tell me some bullshit saying that you all are not going to separate yet because of me and my stupid exams.
i don't give a shit to my exams thanks to you people.
do you think my exams makes more sense now?
no it doesn't!
it makes it worst!
and now i would gladly put the blame back to you.
have you seen how my results are lately?
you know it deep down that i have been worst since last year.
you know this is a fact.
have you ever thought the reason why?
no i guess not.
it is obviously because of you people.
i did not choose to come into this world, did i ?
no i didn't.
after so many times thinking that i should kill myself and end all these shit, in the end i thought to myself that i have two sisters who are counting on me later in life because basically, and obviously, both of you are of no use.
and everyday i think to myself, whether i could live happily, in a perfect family where flaws are accepted and not rejected.
i don't feel like staying here any more.
there ain't no reason why i am here.
do you know how painful it was to watch one drive away in front of a 5 year old kid when that kid did not even know what the heck was happening?
it was to the extreme only i could understand.
to hear them laugh after what had happened hurt me the most.
innocent laughs.
they just simply didn't understand.
but i did.
and it breaks my heart.
being here just breaks my heart.
you don't know how much i wish for it to mend.
you will never ever know.
because both of you are selfish people.
you never think before you do and the consequences that come chasing after your children and not you.
i wish someone would just dump me in an alley, with lots of cash, so that i could live on my own.
sometimes, i just wish that i was never chosen to be born because i simply mean nothing to you.
nothing.

i did not choose this. 

neither do you know how painful it is. 

you said you do but you never ever will. 

wish everything could be undone.

excuse me ?!

excuse me?!
what have i done to make you say those things?
you think i am being a pain in the ass?
well, look in the mirror mister.
are you that great ?
the fact is we are all awesome because we are all created in God's image.
but sadly, you just destroyed everything.
you call yourself a son of God and go around cursing everyone you can?
does that bring any good to you ?
let me bring you back early this year.
can you please think of what you have done to me ?
you have broken my heart into so many pieces i could barely even count.
you called me your 'girlfriend' then flirt with other girls?
wow.
ain't that fantastic?
and now you're calling me a b****?
oh wait oh wait.
shouldn't i be calling you that ?
you think that i don't have facebook so i wouldn't see that ?
well, you are TERRIBLY WRONG.
WRONG!
i hate you even more now.
i can't even stand taking one look at you.
you make me puke.
and yes, i shouldn't be saying all this, but i gladly think you deserved it.
i did not even do anything wrong!
and just because of that small lil thing you say that ?
i wonder why are you so famous.
you are pathetically useless.
want me to spell it for you ?
U-S-E-L-E-S-S.
not just that, you are worthless.
you lie so much i wonder who is going to stand by you in the end.
the worst thing is, i can't believe i fell for you.
and somehow, you just turned the story upside down and telling everyone lies about me and you.
why?
why could you ever do that?
I'm sorry but you are a terrible human being.
TERRIBLE.
you simply portray such a bad personality.
i seriously feel like smacking you into pieces.
i really do.
instead, I'll let God handle you.

you worthless useless creature.  

i have had enough.

i have had enough.
i cannot take this anymore.
i don't understand why both of you want to make my life this miserable.
it is even worst when i am the only one who knows what is happening.
no one else does.
don't you know it is so hard for me to go through this ?
you all somehow just don't bother do you ?
you all should have get it over and done with years ago but you have to drag it till now.
NOW.
why?
isn't life already hard enough ?
why do you have to make it harder?
all these things are piling up one by one after each day.
all you wanna do is do things by yourself and bla bla bla.
you have got us committed to this church and now you want us to leave ?
no. enough is enough.
i am leaving.

have you ever seen a bird fly ?

have you ever seen a bird fly ?
it looks so easy for them.
just flap their wings and there they go.
they can go where ever they want, do whatever they want.
so much of freedom.
sometimes i envy them.
knowing that they have so much of freedom.
they are so free.
why can't we be like that ?
as free as them ?
instead, we have to study like mad people trying to understand things we don't want to understand.
we have to work to earn money.
we have to go through all the obstacles in life.
obstacles we did not choose.
so many things to take into consideration in so many things.
why can't we have the freedom which birds have ?

i am very annoyed.
annoyed with every single thing.
i have a never ending headache and i don't seem to know what is the cause.
it won't stop!
i can't read any of my novels because it would just make it worst.
then there is graduation.
oh my goodness.
i cannot take this anymore!
i am always stuck in the middle.
no choice but to follow orders and instructions given.
i am so fed up.
partly the reason why i don't want to go for it.
i don't find it to have any benefit.
i see more of the disadvantages compared to the advantages.
i think i have made the right choice. :)

in life, you will meet a lot of people on the way.
along the way, some of those people can really get on your nerves.
really.
seriously.
it's completely ridiculous!
yes, you want it, basically, you want everything to be right for yourself.
everything is just yourself, yourself and yourself.
different people have different ways of seeing things.
so what makes you think that being right all the time is correct?
have you ever thought about other people?
obviously, you don't, do you ?
you have to, i repeat, YOU HAVE TO win every single argument.
what's the point?
do you get a trophy?
do you get money ?
NO !
you do not.
sadly.
so then why act like that ?
why make everyone hate you ?
i cannot take this anymore.
facing this every single day.
i am so fed up and that's why i just don't want to talk to you.
don't you realise you are such a pain in the butt ?
well, i guess you don't.
that's why you are like that.
that's why you want everything to be done in your way.
good luck in handling life, you self-centred person.

i cannot act as if nothing has happened.
i could not believe it myself.
i guess i have expected too much in return.
but i had never thought of it as something that was very hard to do.
i wonder whether you really value this.
i wonder whether you really bother about it.
if you don't, all these years would have been put to waste.
i really can't believe what you have done.
i am so disappointed in you.
very, very disappointed.

been getting back marks for trials.
some are better than i have expected, some are well, just down the drains.
the consequences when i don't study.
so now, all i can do is blame myself.
i only have a month left till the real exam.
until now, i don't see the point of sitting for this exam.
yes, it can help me to get into colleges and bla bla bla.
sadly, i don't want to sit for this exam.
it freaks me out.
time is running out.
and i am still stuck in my world, my time.

girls.
guys.
a relationship.
i believe that being a girl, you must have pride.
you must not let a guy have it all.
i have learnt from past mistakes.
knowing that i cannot force what cannot be forced.
love.
love cannot be forced.
it is something you are willing to do.
like willing to love someone with all your heart.
so what if you know that either one of you have lost interest?
i believe that that person should make a move and just end the relationship.
what for you let something go on and on when there is no love in it ?
sometimes, people like you should learn to let go and just live your life.
don't you know how worried your parents are?
guess you don't.
i may not be very close with you, but i can tell you that you have mixed with the wrong company.
it's not too late to come out of it.
hey , let it go.
be someone new :)

i am currently reading the second book of The Hunger Games, Catching Fire.
it is so nice!
i can't wait till this headache goes away so that i can finish it and start on the third!
can't wait can't wait !\

some things may come and go. 

but in all circumstances, please, don't give up :)

that's all for now. 

so far everyday is really not my day. 

anyway, thanks for dropping by and God bless all of you ! 

lots of love, 

miss awesome. 

i am back.

i am back.
it feels good !
well, everything feels good.

trials are over now.
what a tremendous relieve !
after it finished, i have been eating lots of chocolates, ice cream and all the junk in the world!
my freedom has finally returned.
owing to the fact that i have my freedom back, i have read two novels in two days.
and it feels great !
i have my new favourite book now, Song of  the Sparrow.

my new favourite :)

and just by looking at the cover, it took my breath away. 

the storyline was awesome and i loved how it has been written. 

one word, WOW. 

i suggest you to buy this book ! 

haha. 

next, The Hunger Games. 

surprisingly, the pump it up is back in town ! 

it has been fully upgraded i guess. 

i am so addicted to it though i don't play like a professional. 

those guys, freak me out. 

they are so good in it! 

i wonder when i could play like that. 

currently trying to master a song called Deja Vu. 

time to step it up ! 

i am currently filled with boredom. 

i can't find a single thing to do except to read my novels. 

i guess i have to find something else to do ! 

thanks for dropping by and God bless all of you. 

will update more soon, i hope. 

stay healthy ! :D 

loves, 

missawesome.